one more sleep

my family celebrates on christmas eve. i have never complained about this. i never did understand what the big deal was about waking up and opening up presents and being mystified by some guy that came through our window (we didn't have a chimney) to give us our gifts? it's cultural tradition for us us to open gifts apres midnight (when we got home from chrismas mass) eat, and be merry. christmas day was spent lounging around or going to a movie, not hustling about to stress over more family/friend present giving/receiving drama.
i am really looking forward to tomorrow. my family comes, we hang, watch a dvd, eat and open presents. we don't go to mass anymore, it seems so pointless to only go two times of the year, when jesus was born and then when he died???? i'm even looking more forward to tomorrow because i actually feel ready. the past two christmas' have been so unprepared after having Westyn. the hoildays always warm me.
now that i have the presents bought, i just have to wrap them. as for my presents? i've bought those too. i can't seem to get moriah carey's "all i want for christmas" out of my head .... so i'll put it in yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pA8UHeoYHQM

merry christmas!

a.r.t.i.c.u.l.a.t.e.

i can't seem to shut my mouth around certain people. i lose my filters. and around others, i'm drowning in my thoughts. i just told my one kid to shut the fuck up, literally. i also told Kyle; my moon, my man, that i knew exactly how he was going to smell when he was old, he asked me how and i told him that that's how he smelled one morning. i'm not saying anything profound, i never do, ever. and saying fuck or telling someone they smell isn't being articulate either, but i am more apt to hesitate with my voice, for the fear of not being liked.
right now, i don't care. i don't think i'll care much for it later either.
i'm drowning in this space we call cyber, wanting someone, anyone to hear me, and then i become disappointed, feeling myself withdraw and analyzing who, how much, why, when?
i would like to keep some lines that have flattened, flat. and the others? i need to take defibrillator to them and shock them back to life! and the truth of it is, is that some things just need to lie flat, with the monotonous beep reverberating around the room, waiting for that pulse, a flinch, a twitch, something. and if it happens, i hope that at some point it truly comes back to life, because at one point it was alive.
but i won't hold my breath.

Synonyms

i often imagine going to holt's or davids with endless amounts of cash. i often find love buying shoes, perhaps that's why i love to shop.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2X_BZpnWFc

never had this before

i'm used to having the decisions that i make, private. i'm a private extrovert. when i do decide to share some of my secrets, i'm not used to having friends worry or tell me that i'm crazy, or even remind me that i need to live ... people are depending on me. i don't make it a habit of getting lost. although, i do and have placed myself in some compromising positions. i always get out of them unscathed. i have to say though, it is quite nice to have someone just say, "are you fucking stupid?!" without saying it.

as i dive back into sober city, i am reminded that i have projects that need to be finished. i made a doll for my friend's daughter.

Happy FIRST Birthday Sadie!

i miss you.

the click is so loud. jjj it sounds like the bass line. kkkkmaybeeeee....i'm making no sense. yes, i am under the influence. and i have to say that i feel quite great! i danced, well i drank, i danced, i .... and now ... from 2 different car rides, i had this evening. one; i thought i was going to an after hours bar to dance some more. that failed because i basically told the guy yo stop the car and let me out if we are not going to another jam. he said no, i said, stop, i'm getting out of the car. i trust too quickly. the next car ride was different but had the same goal in mind. because women are more independent men are slowly losing their instinct. he was playing a cd of sounds that not necessarily made a beat but created music. i only give specific tidbits - we all do. that won't make sense later but it makes sense now.

slowly going ... one, two, three

in my not so distant past i made things. i was a vendor at craft shows, sold some shit and was pleasantly surprised that people just loved buying shit! i'm one of those people too, but seeing it on the other end, and having people buy your stuff is pretty damn great. i mean, i make stuff, i like it, i think it's cute, but when someone else does, and they buy it, it makes me feel like my work has extended beyond me.
today was a great day for my old stuff. i sold off a lot of my old tees and l'ammie things. it was great to see that people still liked it. and i didn't feel pressure to sell it. i just want it gone. it's been sitting around me for far too long. people were asking to see more of my stuff, i told them, "this is it, for this stuff!' it felt so good to say it out loud. and it was even better explaining to people that i have new stuff in the works.
what's kind of great about this, is that i am putting myself out there. in the past i was more reluctant to do so. with strangers it seems to be easier. now if only i could get there with the people that are in my life.

old in the new and that's ok

getting lost is a part that i love. the fur coat and boots are real, these rarely see the night of stars. i only get lost once in awhile.

put the needle to the record

TWO of my favorite things. not ever, but definitely on the top 10. truly, i am boy crazy! and i picked up knitting about three or four years ago. i'm good at it and i enjoy it. i had a project a few years ago, but that fizzled, sometimes that happens to me when other things pop up ... what can i say? i let having a baby be a top priority.
as he grows, so does my need for projects again. i have a few things brewing and i am quite excited about them. i'm making time for it, my idle hands deserve it.
as i knit one, purl one, i keep thinking of the person that would wear a laroqcoqs piece ... i just hope that it keeps him warm, oh and super stylish.

photo courtesy of: http://www.corbisimages.com/

helping hands

sometimes, i scare myself. i like to think of myself as open, accepting, disarming and above all else unassuming. when the truth hits, it doesn't hurt so much, it shameful. i see this man often at the shopping center i frequent. he stand in front of shopper's drug mart, holding those newspapers in one hand, a coffee cup in the other and he's always smiling. he looks friendly enough, but until i spoke to him i just assumed that the coffee cup was for change .. for him.
it turns out, with just a small bit of conversation, he's a do gooder and his intentions aren't for him, but rather for a group of people. we spoke briefly about the weather and about the newspapers (which are published to build awareness for the homeless). the money he collects is for youth that live in shelters. we talked a bit more and he showed me his bike. he was quite proud of his form of transportation, actually he beamed, (i actually wondered if it was stolen - out comes assumption again.) and we ended the conversation with a smiles and i happily donated $5.oo to his cause.
walking away feeling like i helped somehow, shame started to settle in. i wondered if my money was actually going somewhere. i started to feel like i wasn't helping at all and that i was encouraging homelessness. then i look at this photo and i can't help but feel happiness - this man was so damn grateful to be alive and is out there pushing his news, believing that people are good and most of all, he wears that smile too naturally not to be happy.

shared time

recently a lot of conversations that i have been sharing have been around how one balances their time. most of them women. the consensus seems to be that women have an easier time taking on tasks, such as work, their children, caring for their homes, caring for their partners, having food prepared for their families and then there is the social life and giving back to the community part of their lives, where i am assuming fulfills them. thinking about all these things makes my head spin. so i wrapped my hands around my ears, stopped my head from twirling and quit my already no where near the 60 hour work week, and decided to go back home with my little guy. i haven't completely said "no" to the working force. i have a very part time job with a research person and the work that we will be doing is filling my quota on the levels of community service, check, check and check?
my job isn't glamorous, nor is it directly rewarding. but when working with a group of people that believe in the same goal and are willing to go the extra hour for it, then there is something very fulfilling about it.
as for the extra hours that i am going to be at home, i have already devised a simple plan for me and W. we will be chartering the world through the lens of digital and analogue. he's pretty good with the canon that he's using now, but a little rough. Santa is bringing him a W friendly camera, one that will survive the hits and blows made by the hands of a reincarnated Thor.
i got my pictures back from my black and white film. i used the fuji neopan 1600. it's nice to see black and white in it's natural state, not touched or having the colour discarded from it on photoshop. there's something a bit more interesting about it.

i used to love putting money in these, now i just can't seem to justify $2.oo

i love the reflections here.

the crisp weather seems to bring out the bloom in some flowers.

the TTC ... at Vic Park station.

i'm working on a couple of things, like getting over my fears.
#1: walking over grates. i can't seem to do it. i panic.