a.r.t.i.c.u.l.a.t.e.

i can't seem to shut my mouth around certain people. i lose my filters. and around others, i'm drowning in my thoughts. i just told my one kid to shut the fuck up, literally. i also told Kyle; my moon, my man, that i knew exactly how he was going to smell when he was old, he asked me how and i told him that that's how he smelled one morning. i'm not saying anything profound, i never do, ever. and saying fuck or telling someone they smell isn't being articulate either, but i am more apt to hesitate with my voice, for the fear of not being liked.
right now, i don't care. i don't think i'll care much for it later either.
i'm drowning in this space we call cyber, wanting someone, anyone to hear me, and then i become disappointed, feeling myself withdraw and analyzing who, how much, why, when?
i would like to keep some lines that have flattened, flat. and the others? i need to take defibrillator to them and shock them back to life! and the truth of it is, is that some things just need to lie flat, with the monotonous beep reverberating around the room, waiting for that pulse, a flinch, a twitch, something. and if it happens, i hope that at some point it truly comes back to life, because at one point it was alive.
but i won't hold my breath.