digging holes

everything is short lived and yes, this too shall pass. but, i'm so angry. angry at myself, angry at people, angry at my family, i just want to be angry and stay here for awhile. if i could yell right now i would but i can't. i would definitely wake up the baby, and now i'm angry that i can't yell.
fuck.
i have never been good with people. it's like in some way, something gets weird and poof they're gone. i just attributed it to time, getting older, offspring, whatever.
my immediate family are the only people that have been constant. i had one fight with my parents when i was a teenager, i left home and didn't talk to them for a week. the other time was when my sister and i got into a fight and we didn't talk for a few weeks. other than that, my family has been a constant. well, other than them, i have my kids. but shit, they're going to leave me too.
this all starts with me jumping in so quickly to having friends and being enthusiastic about meeting someone new. or talking to old friends too much and not talking at all to the present friends that i do have. and with the present friends that i do have, i'm constantly in this state of "paranoid android". "do they like me?", "why haven't we facebooked?", "why haven't they acknowledged anything i have posted?", "why haven't they replied to my email?" maybe that's it, that might be it right there ...
are my friends all cyber based and is nothing real? and when we do see each other face to face is it just because ... do they only .... arrrrgh!
and then i have friends that ask me to be part of their most special day. these are the friends that you haven't talked to in nearly 2 years but have known each other for 20. and when you do talk, you find that you have nothing in common except for the fact that you both pushed out 10 pound babies from your va.JJ's. now all you're hearing is "well, little susie is counting to 30 and she's only 6 months old, what's baby max doing?... oh he's still crawling well, buck up kiddo he'll get there!"
condescending mommy talk makes me angry.
when the baby talk is done, it's time to judge me. "well, you're tattoos, are cool, but if you don't mind stepping aside from being a bridesmaid ... the dress and pics will look awkward ... maybe you can sing ...." awkward?
what's fucking awkward is that i was asked in the first place. second place, i said YES. that's the kind of friend i am. yes, i may have probed the questioning of "should i be in this wedding, we haven't talked in years ... you have extra bridesmaids ..." lalalala but i said yes, and i was willing to wear a hideous dress. i even paid for half and have lost that money because the boutique doesn't give refunds ... but who thought i would even have be asking for a refund. and now she's mad because i won't authorize the other half of the payment on my credit card? what is this? she asked me to step aside, she was clear that i would make things look weird for her wedding pics. maybe i should have paid for it ... but i can't. wait, should i have paid for the rest of the dress?

these are the friends i keep???

what gets me, is that she is mad, facebooking her feelings and not speaking directly to me about it. i emailed her a week ago and asked to talk about it ... i got no response, just facebook status updates with her friends running their comments on her version of the story. she asked me to step aside because i didn't match the dress ...

i don't match the dress, she and all her friends are running their comments on her facebook, she's out $$$ and now i'm the asshole.

i think i need a new and better definition of friend.